♫ Lene's Eternal Happiness

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Pessimistic Conquering Mind @ 1:20 AM

Listening to: F***ing Perfect by Pink

The music video is inspiring. It shows mostly about self-esteem and to make you realised when you're different, you have to accept it in a good way no matter what 'cus one day, someone will realised it too.

And let me warn about this post. It's gonna be filled with pessimistic thoughts and feelings which I chose to let it out here so that I could take it off from my chest instead of keeping it inside and might affect me mentally.

First of all. I know. I'm a Chinese but I can't speak the mother-tongue language, fine it's abnormal for most Chinese people. Some would call me the "banana" or "English-educated". The banana part, I'll accept it as a joke, and the English part, it's not that accurate, 'cus I don't speak English at home. But I might just be wasting my time explaining what Kelantanese-Chinese speaks because we're from the minority ethnic in Malaysia. So, I accept the staring when I said, "I can't speak Mandarin." I accept that glaring, that whispering, that "what-kind-of-Chinese-she-is" look. And mind pls, I've been hearing the SAME sentence since I was in primary, I'm nearly sick with it, and those sentences are going to be the Chinese sentences that will remained in my mind permanently 'till I die.

- "She can't speak Chinese"
- "She don't understand"
- "Why can't she speak Chinese? "
- "How come she don't look like Chinese?"

2nd. I know I don't look like Chinese. I obviously know that since I was small, believe me, childhood experience affects your whole entire life. Yes. Dark skin. Non-straight hair. I know the dark skin seems like the most reasonable thing for you all to say I'm not like Chinese. Fine. So I accept that staring and glaring when you just find out that I'm actually the same race with you.

3rd. When the first two existed, fear grew inside of me. I'm too afraid to socialise, I always wonder what people think, or expect the same answers and questions from people. And I seems like a burden, no matter how many times they explain that I'm not a burden to them, but I still know that I am. Obviously, what do you feel if people is busy chatting with their friends and one of them would always remind them that I'm there and said, "Eh.. you go talk to her.. she's so quiet." And the answer, "My English is not good... you lah.." And the conversation goes on and on and I felt like saying, "I do understand what you both are talking about. So, don't worry." I really don't like the feeling. Though no matter how hard I try to fit in their conversation, sometimes I get annoying response that I'm sick of hearing, "Eh? You understand what we're talking about?" This response is one of the reason that stopped me from joining the conversation in the end. Even if I understand, I chose to said I don't.

4th. Judgment. Obviously from my looks, to those who love to "judge a book by its cover" would reject an impression towards me already. Though it's kind of obvious how they treated me differently compared to my friends, and well... I don't have the right to comment about this. Obviously most Chinese guys would look at girls with fair skin first. MOST, I said. Why I said this, is because it did happened. To me. I can't say anything about that 'cus God made me who I am. And I never hated about how I look like, 'cus I love how I resemble my father a lot. But please, DO NOT insult my looks, because it's like insulting my parents.

Because of all this I less talk. I stayed by myself. In addition of that, I have no confidence to even like the guy I had a crush on. Because I know how different I am. And I know, to some people, it matters. When a person is different, they will forever be different in the eyes of other people.